Sunday, July 26, 2009
Zen and Kool-Aid Man
Yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking, so I figure I'd best sort my thoughts out here and now. Here goes nothing.
Koans. That's the "zen" part of my title. I was just thinking about those things, like "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?" I have the answers. Respectively, they are:
1. a quiet sound, like the wet wrinkly foot of an old person hitting the linoleum of the kitchen floor on a chilly end-of-August morning as they get up to make some cinnamon hot chocolate.
2. yes. but you don't deserve to hear it, so that's why you don't.
And you must accept those answers. I thought of them very recently and they are completely correct. Ne question pas le zen cerveau de moi!!! Now, I am going to leave the zen portion for today.
Kool-Aid Man--kreepy name, kreepy spelling. He's creepy. (kreepy??) He's not cool (kool??), and what's up with him bursting through walls and no one gets upset? And he can do flips and skate-board with no helmet and none of his icy (iky??) kool-aid spills. I always knew the laws of physics don't apply to tall people... even if they are just large animated freaks in bad commercials attempting to market disgusting sugar-filled juice (juike??) products (produkts??). (Yeah, I am going to stop replacing all "c"s with "k"s now. Thank you for enduring that.)
Not to mention, Kool-Aid Man gives out kool-aid. Doesn't he feel like he's losing brethren as each child sips away filthy red liquid from opaque plastic cups? Maybe he's a cannibal, because that would make sense. OOOORRRRRRR, more likely, Kool-Aid Man has an evil plot that requires him to give out samples of his nauseating, repelling goods, and somehow we will all soon be enslaved by talking pitchers and domesticated parrots (who, as the History Channel so interestingly informed me, will be taking over in large flocks once we humans are gone).
So that settles the matter! Don't buy Kool-Aid ever again, or else you alone will be responsible for the destruction of life as we know it! No, I am NOT overreacting!
Also, if you'd like to use the spare time you now have because you are no longer buying kool-aid, you can tell me your favorite koan in a comment and I will answer it for you. :)
PS: I've ALREADY HEARD the one about "If a man talks in a forest, and no woman is around to hear him, is he still wrong?" The answer is long and complicated. I refuse to explain it to people who probably don't want to know anyway.
Theorized and Brilliantly Authorized by already_in_the_air