Please Don't Hate Me for Hating Him...

Haha, this is so FUNNY. No offense to anyone who is a die-hard Twilight series fan, I love the books but Edward isn't my type. He's too perfect. And Bella is just too much like me: klutzy, can't make up her mind, hears voices (jk, I don't hear voices). But really, I thought I had my life copyrighted! And WHEN will the government start enforcing that law keeping strangers from stalking me and recording my confused daily activities? I SWEAR I sent that restraining order THREE YEARS ago! Stephanie Meyer could be sued by me, because she obviously just copy-pasted most of my life and habits into her books and called her character "Bella". Where's the justice I ask you?

Anyway, here's a list I changed slightly and compiled together of ways to annoy Edward Cullen. Because if someone's that perfect, they deserve SOME antagonizing!

1) Harry Potter begins attending Forks High School, and sees Edward in the hall. (note: the guy who plays Edward in the Twilight movie is the same guy who played Cedric in HP#4.)

Harry: OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!! CEDRIC?!?!?! HOW DID YOU GET ALIVE?

2) Tell Edward you love Jacob more.

3) Tell Edward that Jacob loves him more than you love Jacob.

4) Pass out fliers for an Edward Cullen Fanclub at school. Make sure everyone knows that a huge rivalry is going on between Mike Newton and Jacob Black to become president.

5) Walk around with a "Save the Mountain Lions" t-shirt and make sure you are in constant view of Edward.

6) Send Bella on a cruise around the Mediterranean but tell Edward the Volturi came for her while he was asleep.

7) When he says that's impossible (because he CAN'T sleep) admit she's on a cruise around the Mediterranean. Say he wouldn't have wanted to go because of all the sun.

8) Belatedly mention that it's a private cruise anyway and Jacob went with Bella, so she's protected.

9) Say Mike found out his secret and got Alice to make him a vampire. Now Mike Newton looks better than Edward could ever hope to look.

10) Ask Edward why did he ever fake his own death and move a whole continent away just to be with Bella? In your opinion, Cho was much prettier. (HP reference, b/c Cedric loved Cho, but then he died.)

11) Go around dressed like Voldemort (with a rubber snake named Nagini and everything) and wave a stick or pencil while shouting "AVADA KEDAVRA! Dang it, first that kid with glasses, now I can't even kill a freaking VAMPIRE!" every time you see Edward. (More obvious Hp reference. Yes, yes, I KNOW technically Peter Pettigrew killed Cedric, but it's funnier this way!)

12) Whenever you order a pizza with Edward in the room, emphasize that NO garlic is to be put on the pizza.

13) When you're off the phone, ask Edward if mountain lion substitute would be okay, because the pizza place was all out of the real stuff.

14) When he says he can't eat the pizza anyway, act all offended and start screaming about wasting money and would he LIKE to lose his Volvo because the check bounced for a very expensive custom pizza that he wouldn't even TOUCH?

15) Eventually calm down, and tell him you have a very special surprise for him. Blind-fold him, and force him to sit through the Anorexics Anonymous meeting when you take the blindfold off.

OK, so actually EVERYONE will take offense at this I'm sure, and only the first thing on this list was copy-pasted. Everything else was mine. : ) But oh well. That won't matter soon because people are going to track me down and murder me for being anti-Edward. I just hate that he's perfect, is that so WRONG?